Keeping faith

2011-12-31T21:46:00.001+08:00

This is the last post of 2011. Thought I'll blogged about something happy but oh well, shit happens all the time.

Last year, I had no resolutions. I only wanted 2011 to be better. Guess what? It sucked. It's the same ending again. It's all about losing people around me. Which I can totally foresee it to happen again at the end of 2012.

So resolution for 2012 is to be materialistic! Just to earn money and more money! I would rather cry in an Audi than to cry on a bicycle. True isn't it? Embracing the New year with a broken heart and countless sinking ships.

It's hurting me a lot, a fucking hell lot.

Happy new year in advanced to my readers! x

2011-12-30T02:14:00.001+08:00

Mastering the art of acting nonchalant. However, the more I wanna act nonchalant, the more I give myself away that it is actually bothering me so much. Crying is so weak even when they say it's just a sign that you've been holding on for too long. To me, it's just plain weakness. I hate tears streaming down my face and I can do nuts about it.

It's like no one is here for you even when they say that they are. But little did they know, they are the cause of your tears. I know things aren't gonna work out so easily this time round.

Been in this kind of situation twice, fucking twice. Am I that stupid to repeat the same mistake that I do not know what it is, twice? Or are we just meant to sink? It's like I'm born to lose my entire life. Even the simplest things in life like losing a pair of keys, losing my wallet to losing people that I love most, losing grip of everything that I held tightly to.

I hate being just a plain jane to everyone. Even when I walk away, nobody would even noticed that I'm not there. Pathetic isn't it?

Oh, did I mention that I failed my BTT by just one mark? Yeah, this sums up my day. Have a good weekend ahead to whoever that is reading!

2011-12-26T13:45:00.002+08:00

“ It's like you're screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone can be that important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back. So you could have the good.”

It's better to burn out than to fade away.

2011-12-04T17:23:00.001+08:00

@ civics' Starbucks right now. Just chilling while Tng is studying.

So many memories went through my mind. I know it's pointless to say all these. You must have found it so absurd. I'm sitting at the exact same spot, exact same seat, coincidentally. I kinda figured out that's what best friends do. Waiting for another to finish their work even when it means staring right into space. That's what I'm doing now. Just like how you did about more than a year ago. Just that it's a different companion this time round and we've switched roles. Kinda miss those times quite terribly. Those were the best days of my life.

#nowplaying— 'The one that got away'
“ All these money can't buy me a time machine. Can't replace you with a million rings. I shouldn't have told you what you meant to me. Cause now I pay the price.”

Have a good week ahead everyone!

2011-11-19T02:34:00.001+08:00

You know the feeling when you sense yourself changing? The period when every little thing makes you mad. Where every word that came out from someone sounds so sarcastic to you, whether they mean it or not. How well you used to take those jokes or casual remarks and now all that you sensed is people picking on you. The feeling when you know you're changing but have no control over it at all. Nobody needs you and you're probably just a nuisance.

This is what I'm going through right now.

I know they've not changed a single bit but instead, I did. It just happens that everything is so offensive to me and I take it too seriously. No, I don't wanna lose another best friend but I can't stop myself.

2011-11-16T19:10:00.001+08:00

What the fuckery

2011-11-15T20:46:00.004+08:00

We used to talk about our future like we had a clue

Can I say today's a rather bad day? Even though I did nothing much the entire day but yeah, it's just a bad day because I think I'm having pms. I think a small dust particle has the ability of causing me to lose my mind.

It probably didn't mattered. Perhaps I was too sensitive. But fuck yeah, that's me. I am sensitive and paranoid. I would say I'm over-paranoid all the time. Sometimes I think I don't deserve all the treatment that I get. Maybe I just can't fit in. Yes, I think I can't.

I've been thinking for quite awhile. I need to spend some time alone. Now I'm having those thoughts that I had last year in November. I wanted to drift away from everyone that I knew for as long as I can. I need to clear my mind, have a break or whatever you say.

I miss those good old days when I don't have to worry about such issues, until last year. Good things don't ever last and that's for sure. I hate how I'm feeling now, really. It's always inferior, not good enough. Yeah, probably not good enough for anyone, always.

Till then.

2011-11-15T01:13:00.006+08:00

Let me out

Officially free from books and notes. I almost could not contain my excitement (even though this is the second time) in the examination hall when the invigilator said, 'Pens down, time's up.' I was so happy and glad even though the paper sucked.

Mum came to fetch me from school which saved me the hassle from walking all the way to the bus stop. We went to have lunch at Sakae Sushi. Love spending quality time with her. Finally, when I got to crash in my bed in the evening.. I couldn't sleep.

Now, past midnight. I'm tired but yes, I can't sleep at all. I'm starting to think about what I'm gna do from tomorrow onward. So sick of the mundane life I'm leading. I need a vacation but money does not fall from the sky. I have to start working and saving. Moreover, finding myself a vacation partner is so hard.

Oh well, reality.

Till then.

2011-11-13T20:59:00.001+08:00

I'm so sick and tired. You know that kind of tired that no amount of sleep can suffice. I just feel so bloody tired everyday.

Sometimes all I wanna do is to just lay in bed all day without even moving a single muscle of mine.

Why do people always take things for granted? I'm only remembered when they need something from me. It's always like that. And once I am of no use to them, they'll forget about me. Why is everyone the same?

I'm sick of this world.

2011-11-13T00:49:00.003+08:00

What is the definition of friends?

A question that'll take me a lifetime to answer.

We had the best years of our lives

But you and I would never be the same

September took me by surprise

And I was left to watch the seasons change

I´d never thought this could ever end

I´d never thought I´d lose my bestfriend

Everything is different now

Can we stop the world from turning

2011-11-12T20:08:00.002+08:00

" And the days went by like paper in the wind.

Everything changed, then changed again.

It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend.."

Taken @ Yishun Dam last night

2011-11-10T23:55:00.001+08:00

Baked Oreo Cheesecake in the afternoon! Haven't baked for so long. It felt kinda weird but looking at the end product it feels so good! Love the sense of satisfaction~

Care to have one? ;)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-11-09T16:55:00.002+08:00

Vroom Vroom~

Good day!

Went to register for BTT with Mel today! *VROOOOOOM*

People often say that women are disasters when they are driving on the road. It can't be that hard right? I hope I wouldn't be one of the disasters! I am so stoked and nervous at the same time. I am enrolling to the school even though it's slightly more expensive. I'm so glad that Dad's willing to sponsor me for it. So excited for practical already when I have not even pass my BTT.

Btw, I'm having my last paper on the 14th! Then, I will be officially freed from all the misery! Starting to plan my months ahead. I want to look for a job! Don't really feel like going back to my previous employer. It's all about gaining experience right! I wanna try an office job this time round, preferably.

And, yay! This is my first step of reviving my blog. I hope I'd be able to update a short post every one or two days. Haven't been blogging for so long and I wonder if anyone's still here.

Drop me a comment!

xoxo

2011-11-09T00:05:00.005+08:00

Left to watch the seasons change

Hello. I'm back to revive this dead blog of mine.

Everything is different now. I sleep and eat more than before.

Not to mention, putting on weight every single day.

What to do? I can only make myself feel satisfied when I eat.

Haven't been baking for months and I kinda miss baking but feel so lazy at the same time.

Really wanna blog about my Taiwan trip but then I'm so lazy again.

Maybe when I really feel like it..

Actually I don't know what to type.

Feeling kinda down today.

Had a dream.. A dream that I don't want it to be true.

Is this fate?

I hope I'll be blogging more often and not neglect this space anymore.

Till then.

2011-10-19T01:15:00.001+08:00

Thank you girls for the surprise. It meant alot to me. Thank you for all the hard work in planning this surprise. I've so much thank you(s) in my head now. Thank you all for being there for me, for not giving up on me even when I give up on myself. Thank you for all the happy times we've spent. Love you girls so so much. I wouldn't be here today without you girls. <3

It's my birthday and so it's been a year since last year. Still the same wish but I know it wouldn't come true. Oh well!

Nonetheless, happy birthday to myself!

2011-08-16T06:32:00.001+08:00

What could I have said? I thought at least we're 'kinda' on talking terms. I was expecting at least.. a smile? Oh well, disappointing night. Learnt a harsh truth today- Some things will never be the same, ever again. So damn true. We'll never be the same again. No matter how badly I want it to be. I'm just upset because I thought I've gotten over it. Then... it came crashing on me all over again.

Sorry, just need to rant it here before I turn in. I bet nobody's reading my blog cause I haven't update it since forever.

Have a good week ahead.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-07-14T13:26:00.001+08:00

I just want us to be happy and things to get better.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-06-29T13:10:00.001+08:00

I just typed out a whole chunk of questions and feelings that I'm actually questioning myself but backspaced them all because I was afraid that I would be judged and penalized. I'm feeling really down and I do not know why I've landed myself in this state.

What are we?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-06-24T23:24:00.002+08:00

"I'm about to lose my mind, you've been gone for so long, I'm running out of time."

I hate making decisions. Because making decisions meant being responsible for whatsoever results in future. All my life, I've never been more than a failure in making decisions. I just hope I wouldn't be making a wrong choice. Real or not, true or not, I don't know. Let time prove everything. Ok, but I'm still feeling very fickle-minded and insecure about almost the whole idea.

On a lighter note, I spent my day watching tv, surfing the net and whatsapping with Tng. That idiot sure know how to make me laugh to myself all the time without fail. Chatting with her on MSN now and constantly laughing to myself. I'm so glad to have her around to brighten up my day. Thanks ah tng! I know you'll come and read cause you always like to stalk me. Hehe. I miss my sisters, Belle, Mali and Tng! I have yet to meet them for weeks I think. Would love to spend some quality time with them!

I'll leave this blog to rot till I have something more interesting to update or when I bake something new.

Till then, xoxo.

2011-06-02T19:58:00.001+08:00

" I miss it too and I miss the songs we knew.
And if I could go back,I'd do it all again.
It was the best I ever had"

2011-05-31T15:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you just wished that certain people never came into your life.
And sometimes you wished that they never left.

Sometimes holding on seems so much easier than giving up.
But either way, it hurts as bad.

We never, never really knew what we wanted.

2011-05-22T16:23:00.010+08:00

Zhong Ren's Farewell
Planned a night picnic @ Marina Barrage on 20th May. I was so glad that many of them turned up. It was probably the best night of 2011 for me. All the smiling faces and laughters was definitely something I had missed for so long. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did! We'll surely meet again someday for something like that!

My best study mates for O's last year, xoxo

Best Secondary Schoolmates

Last but not least, the main lead for the entire outing.

I'm so gna miss this idiot.
Wishing you all the best for your studies!
Don't ever forget us okay!

xoxo

2011-05-06T00:01:00.001+08:00

BFF

“ Here's the deal. If you don't wanna be my friend, I'll leave and give you your space. If you want to forget about me, I'll make sure that I'll allow you to.

But remember this, you'll always be a friend of mine whether you want it to be like that or not. And I will still be there whenever you need me, and whenever you do not. And remember, each day I'm forgotten, will be another day where you should know that someone is believing in and thinking of you still.

I said forever and I meant forever.”

2011-05-03T23:30:00.005+08:00

Chocolate Biscoff Cheesecake

Last night, I was browsing through some bakery blog that @kissabelle left in my iPhone browser. I swear I couldn't take my eyes off that blog. Simply amazing and will definitely make your jaw drop. I think I'm a little exaggerating but it is really fantastic! So I came across a recipe, Chocolate Biscoff Cheesecake! I'm not a fan of cheesecake since forever. I only started baking my first cheesecake last year and I admit, it was not that bad. Still, I'm not a fan of cheesecake.

That's not the point because I ended up baking one. No, actually two.

I have to warn you, if you're reading this post in the middle of the night, please be ready to go to bed with your stomach grumbling all the way till morning.

PS: Please pardon my chipped off nails.

How I wished that I have an extra pair of hands so I could have taken pictures of the process.

A few of my friends asked me to take up courses related to bakery and culinary, I would love to. However, I have one worry. To me, baking is a hobby, something I'd love to do. No doubt, the sense of achievement is indeed very satisfying when your end product is successful. But I'm afraid that if I were to go in depth, I would have lost my interest. Besides, I'm still stuck with O's. What do all of you think? Leave me a comment, I would appreciate that.

I'm sorry if you're hungry now. I've warned you.
Have a good night to whoever that is still reading!

2011-04-27T14:56:00.003+08:00

" When you burst out crying alone in your room and realized that no one truly knows how unhappy you are because you don't want anyone to know."

Truth to be told, I'm amazed. So amazed by how I got through all the shitty days and that I'm actually still fucking alive. No no, I'm not trying to say that I'm standing strong. But I guess we all just got to learn to get used to certain things. Things like, how we don't have a time machine, how you longed for someone to be back by your side, or whatever. We always hope even though deep down we know that none of it is ever gonna happen.

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.

But have you ever thought about false hopes? It's not wrong to be positive. But all the false hopes that we are giving ourselves is eating us up. It's hurting us more than we ever know. We always thought that it's the other party that is hurting us.

Actually, we are the ones hurting ourselves.

I don't know what is my point of saying all these. Despite me knowing all these, I still continue hoping.. Ironic isn't it?

Something to think about for now.

Btw, I find this song really good!

" And I wish that you could give me a cold shoulder
And I wish that you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time
Even if I never crossed your mind"

2011-04-19T19:45:00.002+08:00

Lose my mind

" Life is fucked, so are we."

Today is definitely a bad day for me. I think I'm the only one in the world who doesn't wake up when twelve alarms are consecutively ringing. Thus, I woke up late and after I had a shower, I decided to just give Chemistry class a miss. What I did the entire day was merely lying on the couch, eating and watching the tv. I always feel terrible for waking up late but I really can't be bothered. Ironic? I feel terrible yet I don't bother to do anything about it.

I wonder why people always come to me when they are lonely or only when they have a favor to ask. So hard to find people whom genuinely want to be friends and not using me or get close to me because they have a motive. Like I always say, I can count my friends with just five fingers. Trying to make sure I don't lose another due to my selfishness again..

Thank God for people like them.

2011-04-09T01:56:00.003+08:00

Dreams, do they ever come true?

Decided to blog because it's another sleepless night. Let's talk about school. I'm still not used to the environment. It irks me whenever my classmates (not all of them) laugh/ speak loudly. They laugh at every joke, even when it's not funny. Reminds me so much of the times I had in CSS 5N1'10. I couldn't even be bothered to speak to most of my classmates and I guess they don't even dare to speak to me. It still sort of kills me a little to know that poly is starting soon for some of my friends, whereas I'm still stuck here with freaking O's. The hunch of knowing that I'll definitely drift away from some of them is making me really upset because to start with.. I don't really have many friends.

I've been thinking a lot recently. I don't think I've ever accomplished anything in my life. I have nothing to be proud of. It's always the late nights that made me think a little more about life. Sometimes, I really would love to do something to make myself feel useful.

" Everybody have their own talents, you just have not found yours yet."

Or maybe.. I didn't have any. Thus, it's pointless to keep searching. I don't know. What will I do in future? I am afraid of what's gonna happen. I have no plans. I have nothing..

Damn, cramps are slowly crawling in. I shall stop here..

Anyone still reading? Drop me a comment!
My comment box has been empty for quite some time.

Have a good weekend!

2011-03-22T23:33:00.001+08:00

Written in the stars

" There's so much I should have said when time was wearing thin.
You're not here but someday I know I'll see you again."

Today's your 1st lunar death anniversary. I went to visit you with these flowers. Did you hear me talking to you? I had so much to say. When I saw your tablet, I lost all those words in me. Sadness engulfed me, close to tears, I managed to spoke a few words. The feeling was just different. From talking to you, to talking to a photo. From how you used to answer me, to not receiving any replies. The room was dead cold, the kind of cold that sends shiver down my spine. I miss you dearly.

The reason of your death will always be a mystery. Maybe it was a way out for you to end your life. All of us hope that you're happy at the other end of the world. But are you really happy? We keep telling ourselves that you are but none of us really know.

I hate to admit this but time flies. We've lost you for almost a year now. We still miss you and get upset whenever we see your pictures. Losing you was a price too high to pay for a lesson learnt. No doubt, all of us became closer like we were in our childhood days but you're no longer there.

" And though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on, we'll carry on."

I love and miss you dearly, xoxo.

2011-03-19T23:44:00.000+08:00

5N1'10 Class Gathering!

2011-03-07T01:10:00.002+08:00

Blue Monday
" How does it feel to treat me like you do?"

Another sleepless night as usual. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep after this post.

I know I shouldn't care. It shouldn't even bother me right now since it has been months.. I'm amazed by how time flies without you. I'm probably feeling better. However, there are still nights when the feeling is really unbearable.

" I thought I was mistaken. I thought I heard you speak."

I am feeling really tired and would love to go to sleep. My mind just wouldn't stop functioning for a minute. It refuses to stop thinking about things that I do not want to give a damn about.

I think I need pills.. I need some sleeping pills..

2011-02-28T01:01:00.004+08:00

Have a little faith

I've not been updating frequently. I'm tied up with work and studies. I barely have time for myself. I hope to get myself free from work by March. So I'll have more time for studies and myself. Classes had been not so productive as compared to studying in CSS. Taking up a new subject (POA) is not easy. Struggling with balancing the accounts, every thing seemed so alien to me. As usual, not progressing very good with my classmates. We barely speak unless there's group discussion and we usually still end up doing our own work. Starting to feel that the tuition centre that I'm in is very disorganize about the class timings. We always ended early for POA, when it was stated that there should be another 1.5hours of lessons. When being prompt, the teacher just push everything to the admin/ principal. Well, everything comes with a price... and this is the cheapest. So there isn't really much that I can do about it. I'm even starting to think that I can study better on my own (not sure about how true is this).

Work had been a breeze, just that it is tiring to report for work almost everyday after my class. Sometimes I just wish to have some quality time with myself. And yes, I see myself resigning pretty soon. Money isn't every thing after all.. I hope. Really hope to meet up with a few friends (just one or two) as well to just catch up and know how they're doing.

Just a short update.
Welcoming March in a few days time! Probably a short getaway to Bangkok with Belle. Still planning and I hope this time every thing works out fine. I hope all of you out there are doing well and still alive!

XOXO

2011-01-31T23:06:00.005+08:00

Under blankets and warm sheets

Welcoming February in about 30 minutes. A short month to go but it's gonna be a packed one. My classes are starting on 14 February (yes, I'm retaking my O's as a private candidate), hell no it's starting on Valentines' Day. Actually it doesn't really makes a difference. I just feel that it's weird to start my classes on such a 'loving' day.

I'm still not very sure if I've made the right choice. There are sure a lot of advices given to me. People whom supported me, of course, people who bring me down and people who don't really give a damn. I really envy those who made it to poly. Especially close or used to be close buddies/ friends.

My emotions are like on a roller coaster ride these few days. I wonder how people look at me. I feel useless most of the time, wasting a hell lot of good money to retake. I fear that I will not meet the expectations and disappoint people who pin hopes on me. The burden is too much for me to take that I feel like I'm breaking down soon. Every little thing is slowly falling apart. Even tiny things like a particle would have erupted the volcano in me.

Every day, I make a promise to myself to be a better person and I break this promise at the end of each day.

Most of the time, I still hope that you'd be here to listen to all my whines and give me advices. You'd have known what was good for me. I know because I trust.

Have a lovable February!

2011-01-07T00:32:00.004+08:00

~~Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name~~
Day 03: A picture of you and your friends

This was taken 2 years ago. They're probably the best I've ever had.
"People change and they forgot to tell each other."
(sounds familiar & I went to check my older post.)
Click!

I've lost.

2011-01-06T00:18:00.007+08:00

Day 01: A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Fact 1: I can eat a lot, more than you can ever imagine.
Fact 2: I feel fat right now. (Just had mac for supper and I've gained 5 kg recently)
Fact 3: I have insomnia almost every night.
Fact 4: I miss having a best friend.
Fact 5: I'm worried for my O levels results.
Fact 6: I seriously have no idea what to do with my life.
Fact 7: I'm currently jobless.
Fact 8: I think I'm falling apart.
Fact 9: There are nights when I feel really lonely.
Fact10: I enjoy going out alone.
Fact11: Eminem is totally dope \m/
Fact12: I miss my cousin, Jesslynn.
Fact13: I love baking.
Fact 14: I'm dying to sleep.
Fact15: The above 14 facts are not interesting at all.

2010-12-30T20:22:00.004+08:00

Hola! It has been exactly a month since I've last updated this space. Well, still alive and kicking. Work has been rather smooth sailing. Working with a bunch of aunties sure made me learn a lot of life lessons from them. Sad to say, I have resigned and tomorrow's my last day. My new job is still pending. So this entire December, I've just been busy with working. I spend my off days at home or mostly hanging out with my cousins. Or rather, you can also say I have no one else to meet.

December updates
11th- Early Christmas gift exchange

14th- Irsyad's Early Birthday Celebration @ Esplanade

15th- One of my off days

23rd- Mum's 42nd birthday

That is roughly how my December went. Tomorrow is the last day of the year. Like the past, I'm excited for the arrival of new year! This year is pretty bad as compared to 2009. Each year just gets even worst than the previous. Year 2010, I've lost many many things/loved ones/friends. It was emotionally and physically challenging for me. Many times, I just wish that I could rewind the time. Sigh.. But still, I hope 2011 will be a better year for everyone else. For 2011, I don't have any resolutions. I just hope things will get better for me and everyone.

I shall end here, not sure whether it's abruptly or not.
Have a blast on the last day of the year!

BYE BYE!

2010-11-30T23:17:00.001+08:00

I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow, and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life.

But never did I know it would hurt so bad..

2010-11-27T21:43:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking of creating a food blog.
What do you think?

2010-11-13T16:03:00.003+08:00

Yesterday marks the end of O's. Everyone was eager to get out of the school hall when the paper ended. I was struggling, fighting my feelings and my thoughts. Part of me wanted to give up and just leave the school and celebrate. However those people above gave me a push, with their moral courage, I did it. Although not the way I planned/ imagined, but it's alright.

& hell yeah we left the school and I never ever wanna go back there again. I forgot who it was (probably one of my classmates) saying, see you soon and I just told him that I never want to see his face ever again. He was stunned. Ok lah, I was merely kidding. We'll still see each other when we get our results. Btw, thanks to awesome people above who stood by me when I've no one else to turn to.

So finally I don't have to read another single note on Venice or whatever again. I would say this period drained me out totally, be it physical or emotionally. Life still goes on.. I've been saying that I'm gonna enjoy myself and party, doesn't matter if I fail/ pass. But it does matter, of course I'll be thinking and feeling worried almost all the time. In the meantime, I'm gonna keep myself occupied. Probably get a job, oh I've already got a job. I'm starting work on Monday. I know it's pretty fast. Yeah, but I just wanna keep myself occupied so my thoughts wouldn't run wild and will be too tired to think at night that I can just fall asleep right away when I'm home. Btw, no longer working at Wintertime. Need to gain experience in other jobs I supposed, so I've ditched the idea of going back. I just want to try something new.

I might not be updating this space often. I'll be active on tumblr instead, with short posts etc. I wanted to say " follow me on twitter to get latest updates." but I just remembered that I no longer have an account. Oh well.. Till next time!

I hope all of you have a good holiday!

So should I put down my pride and ego to fix this?

2010-11-01T16:08:00.000+08:00

Go on, go ahead, laugh at my misery.

2010-10-20T02:51:00.005+08:00

" I never felt this way before, everything that I do reminds me of you."

& so this is how I decided to celebrate my birthday, all by myself. Went to a Clarke Quay in the afternoon, a place where we used to go and once had ice cream there. The weird thing is, I can't take more than a three spoonful of it. It was so different, perhaps the lack of company, perhaps things just changed. I sat by the river, perhaps the exact same spot where we sat, with my iPod blasting music that makes me feel like crying. All I did was just reminiscing and the sky turned dark without me noticing. I stared at the G-max, we once said we're so gonna take it together. The night was beautiful, although the moon was misty. I sat there for hours, just thinking. Seriously never thought I would do this and I think I will probably try to do everything we once did alone. I didn't even know this would hurt so bad. & I still never fail to check my phone for a birthday wish that never came.

Met up with my sister for dinner after I left Clarke Quay. Soon after, I headed home.. Just one hour before my birthday ended, Marcus, Esyadd & Daryl came to give me a surprise. Thank you guys for the cake, presents, songs and everything.

I not only wanna thank them, I also wanna thank people whom stood by me when I'm at the lowest point of my life. I know you guys have been trying very hard to get me back to my feet. You guys know who you are. I'm also very sorry if I appeared unappreciative. It means a lot to me, really. & for the failed surprise you guys didn't manage to give me, I'm sorry about it. But I got it all in my heart. Love you guys!

I will probably need more time to learn to let things go. It is not as easy as it seems. My mum even thought that I fell out of love. No, I didn't. It's even worst than that. I lost a friend, a good friend.

2010-10-19T00:49:00.004+08:00

Today, 19th my birthday, I should be happy. But this year is different. Something is missing, or rather someone important. I looked forward to my birthday since last month, thinking we could finally spend time together. Maybe or should I say hoping you'd be the first to wish me, hoping for a card like the past years. I expected so much and this is how hard I fell. I don't know how I should be feeling now. It doesn't really matter to you I supposed. Birthday? It's just another day. Here I am, crying my eyes out. Fuck, I really hate myself so much. For being a fool, checking my phone every few minutes with little hopes dangling & every time I die a little inside. Old habits die hard, at least to me.

2010-10-17T21:40:00.002+08:00

& so things got even worst that it can no longer be fixed. I've no one to blame but myself. I've no idea how I should continue from the way things are now. Things that I've planned to do after O's, are not going to be done without a best friend. Right.. I'm on my own now..

2010-10-15T21:39:00.002+08:00

"See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around."

Yes, I'm back after missing for about two weeks here. I've been tied up with sleeping and studying, more of sleeping though. Been skipping school more often these days. I even got the attendance of 1/5 this week. Don't know wtf is wrong with me but I'm just immune to the alarms in the morning. O's starting in less than a week, please God or whoever up there please bless me. If I don't get to enter a poly, I'll probably get depress until I die.

On the other hand, those who have been following me on twitter would have know that these past week things have been quite terrible! & I'm rather upset. I don't know what is wrong and I don't know what I should do now. Trying my best to be as happy as I can because what's isn't the best, is not the worst. But afterall, I had the best these few years and well.. good things come to an end do they? As much as I don't want it to end. Just a month till O's are officially over. I just want to make it all a pleasant memory where I can look back on. Yeah, & so I hope things will get better.

Gotta' hit the books now and head to bed after that. Having Baby Wileen's birthday, Yvonne and my advanced birthday celebration tomorrow @ Grandma's house. Buffet & BBQ, nothing beats quality time I'm going to spend with my family. I no longer wanna lose somebody and regret not cherishing the times we had. We're gonna make the best out of what we're left with now.

Have a good weekend ahead!

2010-09-27T23:50:00.002+08:00

" Trying to make it work but man these times are hard.

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time."

I've been rather busy these few days. Trying very hard to start revising for my O's. It's just around the corner, I've roughly less than a month left. I think I need to start studying alone again soon. Because I lose focus and get distracted easily with people around.

It has been hard trying to cope with the stress of O's and problems I faced at home. I know I've to stay positive but as much as I want to, I just can't. I'm suffering from insomnia almost every night. Have not had a good sleep for a relatively long time or rather, it has been hard to fall asleep right away.

Xoxo.

2010-09-22T17:10:00.003+08:00

" Ghost of you is all that I have left to hold.."

It has been almost 5 months since you've left us. I hope you've not forgotten us cause we've been missing you day and night.

It's Mid-Autumn today! Do you remember how we used to light candles outside Grandma's house? We were so cheeky that we went to light up holes that were drilled in the walls and we found a frog. We ran as quickly as we could and had a good laugh about it. There was another time when we were at the playground nearby and had a fight with a few arrogant rich kids. I still remember how we used to camp in Uncle Wilson's room and fool around. We would act like we were the characters from Sailormoon and Power Rangers. We would play DDR and StreetFighters in the room and Ah Gong would always complain how noisy we were. The way we ran down the stairs just to buy ice cream from the ice-cream man that comes by occasionally.

I can't imagine my childhood without your existence. The good times we had, I will always remember. No matter where you are, we will all be missing you deeply. Every outing we wished you were there with us. There were cold nights when we think about you and cry ourselves to sleep. The pain was unbearable. thinking of how much you've suffered. How you ended your life so abruptly, we didn't even had a chance to bid goodbye. Maybe it was fated, but I'm sure fate will bring you back to us someday, be it our next life or next next. We will surely meet again.

Jesslynn Chua Xin Zhen ♥

" Now I'm sittin' in this empty house, just reminiscing.
Looking at our pictures it just trips me out."

2010-09-19T22:53:00.003+08:00

Around 1 month till O's yet I'm still entertaining the thoughts of skipping school.
I fucking lost my ezlink and it's such a hassle to get it replace.

" Disjointed and unfamiliar to me.
I feel lost in my own home. I look at the picture, hanging on the wall.
Happy faces smile back, taunting me with the past."

Someday, I'm gonna leave this place too. Sorry but I can't talk to you right now.
I can't even look into your eyes. I just can't get that voice out of my head.
I'm sorry, I really am. Maybe someday, this will all be a dream.

2010-09-19T00:14:00.004+08:00

" I'll never be able to get over my parent's divorce and
that they had already moved on with their new half.
Never in my life. "

2010-09-12T23:56:00.003+08:00

" Burn motha'fucker burn!!"

Impromptu decision to club last night. I didn't really enjoy myself. However, some alcohol helped me to sleep better. At least I can get to sleep right away once I got home. My one week holiday were gone in a flash. School tomorrow which I really dread.

" Friends should never forget that the worst thing for a #Libra is to be left alone for too long." (Via #ZodiacFacts)

God damn it, it's so true coz I'm feeling fucking awful.

2010-09-09T23:34:00.002+08:00

I miss having Dad at home sometimes..

How we used to go for dinner together.
The way he used to watch tv in the living room.
The way he changed the light bulb in my room.
The way he cooked weird dishes just because I'm hungry.
How he always hurry me to sleep because I've school the next day.

Just feeling a little emotional tonight.

2010-09-07T23:31:00.001+08:00

Something terrible happened in the afternoon.
However, I still go with my plan of baking a cheesecake in the evening..

" A lot of movies are about life, mine are like a slice  of cake."

2010-09-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

paranoid bitch

2010-09-03T15:14:00.007+08:00

I spent my afternoon watching these. So I thought of sharing these with you guys!
Btw, I smell holidays! ^^

WORDS from Everynone on Vimeo.

Everyone Forever Now - "Shooting a Gun" from Everynone on Vimeo.

Moments from Everynone on Vimeo.

2010-09-02T17:51:00.001+08:00

I'm too emotional.

2010-09-02T02:58:00.002+08:00

" Maybe it's just me, couldn't you believe,
that everything I said and did wasn't just deceiving
and the tear in your eye and your calm, hard face,
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place."

2010-08-31T23:39:00.006+08:00

Virgin Cupcakes

I've decided to give my new oven a try after school. Headed home and went to RedMan to gather the ingredients for cupcakes. Results were pretty good.

Mum fried these for me to snack on. *Yummy!*

*So happy before tasting the cupcakes*

*After eating my depressed cupcakes*

Hahahaha no. They said it tasted good. I hope its really good. Love baking but I don't like to eat the things I bake. Ironic. Had a small chat and we headed home. Awesome people \m/

2010-08-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

" As I burn out all the pages, I'm still trying to find myself."

2010-08-17T20:06:00.002+08:00

Insecurities

I got really angry and hurled angry words. I hate myself for not being able to control them. These few days was really difficult to get through. Every fucking minute, fucking second. I'm really tired. Extremely tired of every single thing. Family, friends, school and myself. I don't get it. Cause it always seem like I'm not doing enough. Fuck all these insecurities I'm constantly having. I feel so weak for crying. Will things ever get better?

"In my skin I am shaking from the cold. I am tired from the taking and my heart it won't stop breaking and I know... moving forward can't be this hard.."

2010-08-13T21:27:00.002+08:00

" If one day I decided not to care anymore, would you even notice?"

Busy with preparation for prelims. Therefore, I'll be on hiatus.

2010-08-08T23:11:00.000+08:00

I'm back from Bangkok! I felt so relaxed over there cause basically all I did was shopping and eating. Life there is indeed in a much slower pace and definitely less stressful. Everything over there is damn cheap. I can even buy without thinking about how much money I've left. Yes, money is not a problem over there! The living expenses/costs is so much lower.

I had also seen some very poor kids and mother carrying a baby begging in the streets. My heart goes out to every single one of them. I would really want to donate some money to them but it was too dangerous to do so. They are like seriously so poor thing cause even when it's raining, they still sit there and beg. I wish those kids can have a better life. It made me realized how fortunate I am. I just hope everyday will be a better day for them.

2010-08-04T01:02:00.002+08:00

It's 1.03am right now. I'll be heading to the airport in a few hours time. Yes, BKK here I come! I'll conquer all the shops and bring tons of clothes back. I'm still not having the holiday feel yet. Trying to tempt myself with all the things I can buy there. I'm going to have fun right? Hope that it will be a smooth and safe trip! Alright, please miss me when I'm gone! Coz I'll miss you too! Will be back on Saturday night!

I'm going to have a short nap now before heading to the airport.

With heaps of ♥!

2010-08-02T18:20:00.000+08:00

Every child is a gift sent from heaven.

Haha omg so cute that I wanna pinch her cheeks.

I was actually kind of scared when I was carrying her cause she looks so fragile. Lol. When I got to school today, so many people calling me 'Aunty Hong.' I think I kinda like it. Hehehe.

2010-07-31T17:31:00.001+08:00

A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.

2010-07-31T16:18:00.003+08:00

I had a hectic week and I'm glad it's over! Weekends is finally here but I'm sure it'll be gone pretty fast. I'll be away from 4th to 7th August. Yes, I'm taking a break at BKK! I'll be going with my sister, cousins and their family. Hopefully I'll bring tons of loots back.

Btw, I've just received a good news!

Eldest is now in hospital waiting for labour. Omg, I can't wait for my niece to be born! I'm gonna be aunt! Ok, sounds old but I like! Hahaha. I'm so excited! I'm sure she's gonna be real cute. I'll be heading to the hospital soon! Hehehe, I love my eldest sister! ♥♥♥ Jiayou!! BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT & PUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'll update again when I'm back! :D

With truckloads of ♥!

2010-07-26T18:25:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been mad at others? And have you cried because you realized that it was because you were only mad at yourself and then put your anger on others? But instead, it was because you felt like crap for not admitting your feelings. And how you want to, but for some reason you just can't. It's frustrating.

2010-07-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

" Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?"

Study session @ SSC's Starbucks > 'The Blood Pledge' @ CWP > Stayover @ my house

" Every night I stay up past 12, past 1, etc. Not because I’m not tired. Because I am tired, I want to sleep. But I can’t because my mind runs like crazy. It over thinks, over analyzes things that I don’t want to think about. So I purposely keep myself awake & tire myself out so that when I do finally lie in bed, I fall asleep and my thoughts don’t keep me up."

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.
I miss my cousin, xoxo.

2010-07-25T01:31:00.002+08:00

"I didn't notice you were here."
"That's alright," Eeyore said as he sat down.
"Nobody ever does."

2010-07-23T16:40:00.004+08:00

" I'm done losing sleep because of you.
I'm done holding back the tears at the
thought of you. I'm done being depressed
over you. I'm done asking the same
questions that go unanswered. I'm
done wondering what the hell you're
thinking."

2010-07-22T23:59:00.006+08:00

" The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."

Today's weather was really cooling and I thought it was rather great to be in school. Although staying in bed would have been a better choice. School was great because of the nice weather.

I headed to Starbucks in the evening to study alone. It was rather productive. I was alone but I sort of enjoyed it. Having some time alone made me think about a lot of things. I was trying to sort out my thoughts. My mind was in a state of confusion. Certain things happen for a reason, we always want to find out the truth. But would you still want to find out the truth, knowing that it's gonna hurt you?

Another thing that came to my mind was, appreciation. When was the last time you appreciate someone who did something good to you? Have you been looking at the people around you? Do you care about them? Most importantly, do you care about the people who care about you?

I'm not sure if it's just me having all these doubts or does it occur to all humans?

A friend of mine just told me to throw away all those unhappy thoughts of mine or burdens that have been making me unhappy. Bear in mind that in life there is always ups and downs. I can't be happy forever, neither can I be sad forever. But the least I can do is to make myself happy.

I was rather shocked to find him saying all these but it sort of made sense. Yes, I think someone finally knocked a little sense into me.

Think about it.

2010-07-22T18:31:00.001+08:00

I'm sick of the little mind games you are playing with me.
You hurt me with every step that you take.
What now? RUNNING AWAY AGAIN?

2010-07-20T20:32:00.002+08:00

" Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again. Now you get to watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane."

Everyone that has the abilities to leave this house had left. All the you're not alone to go through all these are all shit. Cause I'm ALL ALONE facing all these fucking shit at home. Don't bother changing anything now cause it's not gonna help anyway. Does anyone even understand how I feel whenever I'm back home? I'm tired and I'm close to breaking down. I'm sick of everyone here, sick of the tenants, sick of every single object in the house. Every time I step out of the house, how I wish I don't ever have to go back. Every time I sleep, how I wish I would never wake up. Every time I cross the road, I really fucking wish that a car would seriously knock me down.

I can't catch up with my school work and I feel so damn inferior.

2010-07-18T20:41:00.003+08:00

"Is there a light, is there a light, at the end of the road. I'm pushing everyone away. Cause I can't feel this anymore, can't feel this anymore.."

Things are getting so complicated in the house. I don't even know what to believe anymore.

2010-07-17T23:17:00.006+08:00

" Picture perfect, memories scattered all around the floor. Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time."

No matter how independent we are, sometimes we just want someone who's brave enough to take care of us every once in awhile..

2010-07-16T23:57:00.002+08:00

Canberrans' 10th Year Anniversary

2010-07-15T23:40:00.002+08:00

" Tell them I was happy and my heart is broken. All my scars are open, tell them what I hoped would be impossible, impossible, impossible, impossible."

Just when I thought everything is finally getting better, I got slapped in the face by reality. Things are not getting better at all. Maybe it's just my illusions or maybe I'm just deceiving myself all these while. I thought by doing 'all these', I'll feel better but that's not the case. I don't feel good inside, not at all..

Well, so I had my F&N Coursework B experiment today. Most of us made cream puffs but without the cream. The whole process was tiring because we had to stir the dough for 20minutes. The outcome of the puffs were.. I would say.. desired. It was a good experience. I really like baking and I want an oven!

There's no school tomorrow but I'm turning in pretty soon. Keep telling yourself that tomorrow will be better. Maybe one day it will be..

2010-07-15T10:50:00.000+08:00

2010-07-14T22:20:00.005+08:00

"My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball. Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall. I'm so heavy, heavy, heavy in your arms. I'm so heavy, heavy, heavy in your arms."

This may not be the most perfect picture in the world, however we had the most wonderful childhood together :')

Today was a super duper awesome day. I finally met Jiawei after more than 6months. She came to school and we had lunch together. Both of us headed to Sp's Coffeebean to catch up. We sat there for 2 hours just to talk. It's been really a long time since I last felt so comfortable talking to someone. I can finally feel Lydia's excitement whenever she meets Nasirah. I was literally smiling to myself when I was walking home. Hahaha.

I think we have become more matured. Our mindsets, our behaviors are different from before. Perhaps this is what everyone has got to go through. Thinking back about the silly things we used to do.. I think they were really fond memories that I'll remember even when my head is full of white hair and have barely a complete set of teeth.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,
the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

2010-07-12T01:59:00.008+08:00

" I remember years ago, someone told me I should take caution when it comes to love. I did, I did. And you were strong and I was not. My illusion, my mistake. I was careless, I forgot."

It's 2.06AM now. No, I'm not suffering from insomnia.

O Level Chinese Oral in the afternoon and I'm having butterflies in my stomach now. I'm so worried that I would stammer. Hopefully I will be able to read the passage and have a smooth conversation. For the first time in my life, please let me speak Chinese fluently like some China. LOL. Please let my brain react to the questions in the speed of light.

Good luck to everyone who's taking the oral!

I shall turn in pretty soon if not I will become a zombie in school. Btw, I've added a Formspring widget on the right. Ask me anything! : )

Goodnight to whoever that is reading!

2010-07-10T23:58:00.003+08:00

"Let the months and years come, they can take nothing from me, they can take nothing more. I am so alone, and so without hope that I can confront them without fear. The life that has borne me through these years is still in my hands and my eyes. Whether I have subdued it, I know not. But so long as it is there, it will seek its own way out, heedless of the will that is within me."

Do you have any regrets in your life? I do.

2010-07-03T10:58:00.004+08:00

“ Are you even listening when I talk to you?
Do you even care what I'm going through?
Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me.
You're right there but it's like you never knew me.
Do you even know how much it hurt?”

2010-07-01T21:11:00.003+08:00

"When I was young I had imaginary
friends and boy did we have fun.
One day my mother told me they were
just pretending and then I had no one.."

Holidays are officially over. I'm proud to say that I've got full attendance so far but I was late 3 times out of 4 days. It's really hard to sleep at night and I'm immune to my alarms in the morning. I dragged my feet to school everyday. I'm glad that this term is better than the last. I'm also more motivated to study and I hope this drive is gonna last till O's.

Life is still hard now. I've tons of shit to face everyday. I hate going home coz I'll never get peace. So many things to be done, especially coursework. I'm kind of hot- tempered at home recently. I hope this is gonna be over soon.

2010-06-23T01:12:00.001+08:00

I'm really tired at this point of time. I do not know what has got into me. Seriously life sucks. I see no future at all. These days I'll just cry in the night without any reason. My heart is really feeling so heavy like it's gonna drop anytime. Really very insecure. I'm sick of life. Tired of the people around me who don't even give two hoots.

Afterall, all I need was just some care and concern. That difficult?

2010-06-10T18:23:00.001+08:00

Jesslynn, I miss you so bad..

2010-06-09T01:56:00.001+08:00

What do you do, when you got tired of giving in and sick of pretending?

I'm losing grip. I tried.. I really tried. Others see it, just not you. Nah, I don't ask for anything in return.

Who do I talk to when I'm sad and no one's there... I really wonder if anyone really gives a damn about what I think. Sigh! I'm really so tired of living in a world like this. Everyone just keeps pretending. Lies, just pack of lies..

"Coz I know you can't stay, so I wouldn't be waiting, anticipating for the fall."

2010-06-03T17:23:00.001+08:00

I think I feel really lonely sometimes..

2010-05-27T13:24:00.001+08:00

The more I tell myself not to bother, the more I can't.

"I don't tell others my problems and add to their burden. They have enough to worry themselves. Moreover, most can't help even when you tell them what's wrong."

So true.. But I still think it would be good if someone is there to listen or just tell me everything is gonna alright.

Please knock some sense into me.

2010-05-26T13:04:00.001+08:00

"I can't promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you will never have to face them alone."

2010-05-22T22:43:00.001+08:00

Favourite picture

2010-05-22T17:55:00.001+08:00

2010-05-18T13:47:00.001+08:00

Peaceful afternoon spent at grandma's house

Crazy night with Eez

Images and Photos" />

2010-05-17T10:58:00.001+08:00

14th May

Images and Photos" />

2010-05-11T22:07:00.001+08:00

All we do is linger.

2010-05-07T18:38:00.001+08:00

I dreamt I was dying as I so often do. And when I awoke, I was sure it was true. I ran to the window threw my head to the sky and say whoever is up there, please don't let me die. And I can't live forever, i can't always be..

2010-05-05T20:51:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND! : )

Thanks for always being there. Be it times when I'm bored, happy, sad, angry or the times when we pon sch, you never fail to bring a smile to my face.

Too bad your birthday falls on exam period. But I hope you love the surprise and card! I'm looking forward to 13th to celerate your belated! All the best for your coursework and upcoming exams! : )

2010-05-02T23:34:00.001+08:00

I'm a boring person with a boring life. I have many wishes. Right now, I wish I can make the people around to smile and be happy. Coz sometimes it hurts me looking at them, by the side, not being able to help. I would rather people pour everything out than keep it to themselves.

My heart ached every now and then. It's really unbearable that sometimes I hide under my covers to cry.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-05-01T22:42:00.001+08:00

Time can bring you down

2010-04-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

I'm ruining everything. I sucked. I'm stupid and lazy. I'm sick and tired. Fucking leave if you want to. Nobody can stand me, neither can I.

I'm really trying hard to catch up with my studies. I also wish that I could attend school every single day without fail. I went out to study coz my friends can help me. Whereas if I stay at home, I'll just give up easily. You just don't believe right? No matter how hard I try, nobody's gonna give a damn. They only look at my weakness. Why didn't they look at what I was good at?

I'm tired. I give up on picking up pieces and putting them back. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-04-24T11:39:00.006+08:00

Everything new

I wish I was happier but wishes don't come true, do they?
All I do is lay around, two ears full of tears.

Prelims is starting next Friday. I'm gonna study for it. I don't know how long this drive is going to last but I'm gonna give it a shot.

Xoxo

2010-04-19T22:58:00.002+08:00

Childhood
I spent my weekends @ Granny's house. Plans to ECP was cancelled and shifted to Sbw Park. But we ended up visting Grandma in hospital. What matters most is everyone's there. This is what makes it awesome. Had more than 400 pictures taken. Not going to post all. Fb for more!

Kai Lun, Nina and me!

Me, Matthew, Nina and Aunt!

Matthew & Uncle Wilson!

Matthew!

Father & Son!

Group photo

When we were young.

I'm the most tiny one :>

2010-04-16T20:57:00.002+08:00

"If I am lost for a day try to find me. But if I don't come back then I won't look behind me"

Every school day is bad day. Good thing is that I've completed my coursework for now. A big load off my shoulders. Headed back home right after school.

Lei Bing was awesome. Chatted with her yesterday and she know I was feeling sad. So she asked me out today. Didn't see her for like 3months. Sort of brighten up my day. THANK YOU CHAN LEI BING for listening to me whine and whine. I'm really glad to have you. You're just like my elder sister! Next time bring me go the "Ri ben chun" , the one you keep talking about ok? Love!

I hate to be back home. All alone in this room. And within one hour I'm back home, I quarrelled with mum again. Yes, not again. Maybe I shouldn't have come back at all. I am not happy at all. NOT AT ALL.

"December is darkest, in June there's the light.
But this empty bedroom won't make anything right."

2010-04-16T15:40:00.001+08:00

Does anyone understand the fear of being ignored and forgotten?
I hope somebody understands me.
Is there really something wrong with me?